谢谢您那么多年来不辞劳苦地照料。在您最痛苦的时候，我却没尽最大的努力陪伴您度过。我不孝。
我现在的路，近乎全数是您为我铺下。这些爱，我这辈子无法再直接报答您了。答应您，我会好好的过生活，当个有用的人，让大家都知道，您生下了一个有用的孩子。
千言万语，无法尽诉。24年回忆里的碎片，随机的播放。最痛心、后悔、内疚、惭愧的最后一年最难以释怀。我可以做得更多。我应该做得更多。我童心未泯。我爱玩。我愚蠢。我不孝。没法补偿了，这些愧疚都会被我带着继续过下去。唯能做的是把这情绪化成动力，把身为您的儿子的身份活得更出色、更有意义。
在我生活的每一个阶段，您都扮演着最重要的角色。没有任何一个人能够取代您的位置，以及超越您的付出。家里的每一个角落，都留着您的痕迹，无法磨灭。
心愿没办法陪您一起了。未来的媳妇没机会向您敬茶。未来的孩子没机会让您照料。这些遗憾，很痛。
没法不坦然面对。您希望我过得健康和开心吧。我会的。我会慢慢学会成熟，慢慢学会体会回忆中您的所有唠叨。慢慢学会早睡早起，慢慢学会戒喝冰水，慢慢学会戒吃煎炸食物，慢慢学会多吃水果。
我会变乖的，妈妈。
2014年6月10日星期二
考试
今天，终于松了一口气。准备了已久的考试在三个小时的奋斗后终于结束了。考完试的大家都松了口气，一起享用了个愉快欢乐的晚餐。
我也以为可以放松心情了。可一下了朋友的车，再坐上自己的车子准备回家的一刻，我突然觉得好寂寞。不是第一次有这种感觉了。那空虚寂寞的感觉一直在我独自一个人的时候浮现。并不太好受。
闷闷不乐。想着回到家后对着的四面墙。家里没有人，很孤单。少了妈妈的唠叨。现在只能怀念。即使妈妈在家也不再会对我唠叨了，只有我对她的语重心长。
你快好起来吧！现在，不管有多么开心的事情发生，我都不能尽情的欢笑，总是带着那丝顾虑。朋友们的邀约，也要到最后才能决定能否出席。出席后，也得设个限制，总不能太迟回家。
考完试了，那放松的感觉只来得及体会那一下子。成绩也不知是否理想，50 50 吧！希望顺利过关就好。
工作，就免谈了。堆积如山，真不知何时能搞定...
家里的凌乱及卫生程度惨不忍睹。我告诉自己我必须工作、温习、照顾妈妈，我无能为力，家里就只能放着不管。我只是懒惰。可是我同时也心力交瘁。身体偶尔不听使唤，脑袋经常也无力思考。
你是我一辈子的责任。人人都问我为什么不考虑疗养院？除了钱财的顾虑，脑海中还经常浮现着那画面：“你以后别把我放去老人院啊。”那时无邪的我答应了。我总不能毁约。
可是，到了晚上，最脆弱的时刻，总是只有我一个人面对。我变得越来越怕孤单。考试假日期间，你一直在医院里，每个晚上我都只想着要去哪里找朋友，找哪一个朋友，而并没有认真温习。似乎一个模式已经被设定在我的体内，只要妈妈不在家，我就要出去玩。很难控制这股欲望。我真的越来越害怕天黑，越来越害怕孤单。
想要有个伴陪。这位女生蛮合眼缘的，朋友们也不断为我制造尴尬的机会，可我就是没推动自己踏出那一步。缺少了勇气是一点，感觉未浓也是另一点，最重要的是，现在不是时候。我不能全心全意的陪伴你。如果我只因为需要支持而要求你的陪伴，那就太自私了。我有比较重要的责任，时间与金钱的分配都得以她为前提。此时此刻，我不能奢望什么。
其实没什么，只是需要承受寂寞而已。虽然也想有个伴能够与我聊聊，但与傻逼的朋友们齐欢笑似乎也能舒缓我的压力。
又是深夜，还是有股闷闷不乐的感觉。应该是因为刚刚和那位女生没什么交谈到吧！哈哈！明日又是工作日，得回到现实了。我的假日过得很堕落，更进一步的弄得家里更凌乱。回到现实后，要重新开始做人。不年轻了，要开始学习扛下养家的责任了。不要再堕落，上进的计划是该要开始实行了。生活作息打理好，不忽略健康。下个目标：把家里收拾打扫干净！加油冯毅答！
我也以为可以放松心情了。可一下了朋友的车，再坐上自己的车子准备回家的一刻，我突然觉得好寂寞。不是第一次有这种感觉了。那空虚寂寞的感觉一直在我独自一个人的时候浮现。并不太好受。
闷闷不乐。想着回到家后对着的四面墙。家里没有人，很孤单。少了妈妈的唠叨。现在只能怀念。即使妈妈在家也不再会对我唠叨了，只有我对她的语重心长。
你快好起来吧！现在，不管有多么开心的事情发生，我都不能尽情的欢笑，总是带着那丝顾虑。朋友们的邀约，也要到最后才能决定能否出席。出席后，也得设个限制，总不能太迟回家。
考完试了，那放松的感觉只来得及体会那一下子。成绩也不知是否理想，50 50 吧！希望顺利过关就好。
工作，就免谈了。堆积如山，真不知何时能搞定...
家里的凌乱及卫生程度惨不忍睹。我告诉自己我必须工作、温习、照顾妈妈，我无能为力，家里就只能放着不管。我只是懒惰。可是我同时也心力交瘁。身体偶尔不听使唤，脑袋经常也无力思考。
你是我一辈子的责任。人人都问我为什么不考虑疗养院？除了钱财的顾虑，脑海中还经常浮现着那画面：“你以后别把我放去老人院啊。”那时无邪的我答应了。我总不能毁约。
可是，到了晚上，最脆弱的时刻，总是只有我一个人面对。我变得越来越怕孤单。考试假日期间，你一直在医院里，每个晚上我都只想着要去哪里找朋友，找哪一个朋友，而并没有认真温习。似乎一个模式已经被设定在我的体内，只要妈妈不在家，我就要出去玩。很难控制这股欲望。我真的越来越害怕天黑，越来越害怕孤单。
想要有个伴陪。这位女生蛮合眼缘的，朋友们也不断为我制造尴尬的机会，可我就是没推动自己踏出那一步。缺少了勇气是一点，感觉未浓也是另一点，最重要的是，现在不是时候。我不能全心全意的陪伴你。如果我只因为需要支持而要求你的陪伴，那就太自私了。我有比较重要的责任，时间与金钱的分配都得以她为前提。此时此刻，我不能奢望什么。
其实没什么，只是需要承受寂寞而已。虽然也想有个伴能够与我聊聊，但与傻逼的朋友们齐欢笑似乎也能舒缓我的压力。
又是深夜，还是有股闷闷不乐的感觉。应该是因为刚刚和那位女生没什么交谈到吧！哈哈！明日又是工作日，得回到现实了。我的假日过得很堕落，更进一步的弄得家里更凌乱。回到现实后，要重新开始做人。不年轻了，要开始学习扛下养家的责任了。不要再堕落，上进的计划是该要开始实行了。生活作息打理好，不忽略健康。下个目标：把家里收拾打扫干净！加油冯毅答！
2014年5月10日星期六
WOW!
WOW! I was shocked when I realised that this blog has been around for 3 years. The decision made to start this blog is still fresh in my mind. It feels like yesterday.
Darn. I was so in mood to write a post and to write it in Mandarin. Too bad this new lappy does not allow me to type in Chinese.
Lots of negative emotions went in and outta my mind this week. Some were actual, some were imaginative. I have a tendency to torture myself with imagination. It feels bad but great to imagine myself facing truly sad situation, like got rejected by a girl I like.
Lots of things happened between this post and the last one. Truly life changing events. I could never have thought of this. Responsibility's getting larger, time's getting lesser, freedom's locked. I just wish I could share all my feelings to someone. Someone important. I just don't have any.
Yup. I have good friends with me. I wish to talk to them with 100% emotion released. But, what position am I in to make them listen to my repetitive nag? To bring negative emotions to others with my personal story is just not my style. Plus, I'm locked in a hard cover. A cover that has been preventing me from sharing everything.
Blog is my resort. I can nag all shit stuff here and get no complaints. Why is this happening on me?????? There are many motivating articles/phrases out there telling one to never complain on your misfortunes, instead, break it through, look for solutions rather than sitting on bed crying.
But.
What solution do I have?????? What can I do?????? One might say that I did not try hard enough. Probably. Probably I was burnt out. I'm lost.
You changed completely. I did not know sickness was that powerful to completely change a person until I experienced it.
I just have no energy to take care of so much of stuff. There is limitation to one's capability and mine's reached. I just could not contribute more. Failure in work life and love life, and my family life seems like failing as well. No balance achieved. Fail.
I hope to have someone beside me, ease my pain, kill my loneliness. Good girls are all over. It's just me. I lack courage and freedom to chase one. What more?
Occupied.
It's late. Body's getting old. Can't afford to stay late no more. I miss my youth. I miss uni days. I miss stress-free life. I miss healthy mom and dad. I miss every past day. I missed a colourful young age. I'd definitely go back in time, if it's not impossible.
Good night.
Darn. I was so in mood to write a post and to write it in Mandarin. Too bad this new lappy does not allow me to type in Chinese.
Lots of negative emotions went in and outta my mind this week. Some were actual, some were imaginative. I have a tendency to torture myself with imagination. It feels bad but great to imagine myself facing truly sad situation, like got rejected by a girl I like.
Lots of things happened between this post and the last one. Truly life changing events. I could never have thought of this. Responsibility's getting larger, time's getting lesser, freedom's locked. I just wish I could share all my feelings to someone. Someone important. I just don't have any.
Yup. I have good friends with me. I wish to talk to them with 100% emotion released. But, what position am I in to make them listen to my repetitive nag? To bring negative emotions to others with my personal story is just not my style. Plus, I'm locked in a hard cover. A cover that has been preventing me from sharing everything.
Blog is my resort. I can nag all shit stuff here and get no complaints. Why is this happening on me?????? There are many motivating articles/phrases out there telling one to never complain on your misfortunes, instead, break it through, look for solutions rather than sitting on bed crying.
But.
What solution do I have?????? What can I do?????? One might say that I did not try hard enough. Probably. Probably I was burnt out. I'm lost.
You changed completely. I did not know sickness was that powerful to completely change a person until I experienced it.
I just have no energy to take care of so much of stuff. There is limitation to one's capability and mine's reached. I just could not contribute more. Failure in work life and love life, and my family life seems like failing as well. No balance achieved. Fail.
I hope to have someone beside me, ease my pain, kill my loneliness. Good girls are all over. It's just me. I lack courage and freedom to chase one. What more?
Occupied.
It's late. Body's getting old. Can't afford to stay late no more. I miss my youth. I miss uni days. I miss stress-free life. I miss healthy mom and dad. I miss every past day. I missed a colourful young age. I'd definitely go back in time, if it's not impossible.
Good night.
2013年9月22日星期日
Googliness
It's been a long long while. Yup... But I never really thought of abandoning my Tart Shop.
September 21st, another childhood gathering. We were no longer as awkward as the first few times, this time, quite comfortably, even when we hung around meaninglessly waiting for movie time. Still, it's a meaningful gathering, although it's not complete, we were missing Ah Girl.
The movie we had chosen this time was "The Internship". I would give a big like for this movie. Not a professional movie reviewer, no fancy wordings for the goods and bads, I'm just an ordinary entertainment seeker. Comedy movies suit me best.
So why do I come back to my blog? Well, some feelings or thoughts just have to be recorded down or else they would be gone forever. I had some thoughts to jot down for my future reference.
2 salesmen, laid off, were looking for a job. Accidentally stumbled upon an internship opportunity in Google, they took a bold step and decided to give it a try. They had to compete with other university students to secure a full time job after the internship test. 95% of the population would be eliminated, only one team would leave the program as Google's employees at the end of the day.
Sure enough, with absolutely zero computer knowledge and comparatively aged bodies, they must have something else to keep them alive. Positive thinking is the first thing. No matter how difficult situations got, they just could stand up, not only that, but also affect the whole team, allow the members to fully open themselves. This is the power of positive mindset. Way to go Tart.
Secondly, their brotherhood. It's a movie and I'm aware of that. But I do hope this kind of brotherhood to have appeared in my life. They just knew what each other was thinking, picked each other up during down time, encouraged each other from time to time. Thumbs up.
Thirdly, the quote that came out from Billy's mouth, it roughly goes like this: What do u think people are most afraid of? Change.
Coincidence? A colleague of mine invited me to a bookfair and I found this book called "Who moved my cheese?". It's all about dealing with changes. Moral of the story - The only thing that stays constant is change. You have to adopt a right mindset in order to survive in this ever-changing world. Stubbornness just won't get you anywhere.
So Billy successfully closed a sales with this concept. Do not afraid to change. Applause to his speech.
Last but not least, my thoughts on speaking. Both of them could fare so well in the internship, and this does not solely rely on the few elements written above. They have a flair for speaking. They speak nice speeches. This is my fear. I do not speak well. I can't organize my speech and I do not have enough vocabulary to make my speech ear candy.
My resort? Reading. Hopefully reading helps me to improve my flow of speech and of course my vocabulary.
That's all for this post I guess. Quite emotionless eh? Didn't have the time to decorate my thoughts with beautiful emotional language LOL. Emotional phrases drag my articles too I believe. Till next time.
September 21st, another childhood gathering. We were no longer as awkward as the first few times, this time, quite comfortably, even when we hung around meaninglessly waiting for movie time. Still, it's a meaningful gathering, although it's not complete, we were missing Ah Girl.
The movie we had chosen this time was "The Internship". I would give a big like for this movie. Not a professional movie reviewer, no fancy wordings for the goods and bads, I'm just an ordinary entertainment seeker. Comedy movies suit me best.
So why do I come back to my blog? Well, some feelings or thoughts just have to be recorded down or else they would be gone forever. I had some thoughts to jot down for my future reference.
2 salesmen, laid off, were looking for a job. Accidentally stumbled upon an internship opportunity in Google, they took a bold step and decided to give it a try. They had to compete with other university students to secure a full time job after the internship test. 95% of the population would be eliminated, only one team would leave the program as Google's employees at the end of the day.
Sure enough, with absolutely zero computer knowledge and comparatively aged bodies, they must have something else to keep them alive. Positive thinking is the first thing. No matter how difficult situations got, they just could stand up, not only that, but also affect the whole team, allow the members to fully open themselves. This is the power of positive mindset. Way to go Tart.
Secondly, their brotherhood. It's a movie and I'm aware of that. But I do hope this kind of brotherhood to have appeared in my life. They just knew what each other was thinking, picked each other up during down time, encouraged each other from time to time. Thumbs up.
Thirdly, the quote that came out from Billy's mouth, it roughly goes like this: What do u think people are most afraid of? Change.
Coincidence? A colleague of mine invited me to a bookfair and I found this book called "Who moved my cheese?". It's all about dealing with changes. Moral of the story - The only thing that stays constant is change. You have to adopt a right mindset in order to survive in this ever-changing world. Stubbornness just won't get you anywhere.
So Billy successfully closed a sales with this concept. Do not afraid to change. Applause to his speech.
Last but not least, my thoughts on speaking. Both of them could fare so well in the internship, and this does not solely rely on the few elements written above. They have a flair for speaking. They speak nice speeches. This is my fear. I do not speak well. I can't organize my speech and I do not have enough vocabulary to make my speech ear candy.
My resort? Reading. Hopefully reading helps me to improve my flow of speech and of course my vocabulary.
That's all for this post I guess. Quite emotionless eh? Didn't have the time to decorate my thoughts with beautiful emotional language LOL. Emotional phrases drag my articles too I believe. Till next time.
2013年3月4日星期一
回忆金宝生活
今天3月4日，2013年。哇！三月了！毕业于2012年五月，想不到快要一年了！不知怎的，我一直一直一直很想念、很怀念那3年的生活。偶尔，看到一些情景，自然的会进入回忆状态。想起的所有点滴会让我嘴角弯弯，但心里的感觉总是酸酸。
无论是开心的还是伤心的回忆，只要是过去了的，都会给我酸里带点痛的感觉。或许，回忆就贵在人事已非...即使陪伴在身边的人都一样、都无恙，变化却是挡不住的。年纪大了，环境不同了，工作了，为目标打拼了。
今天就不懂干嘛会想到上UTAR Portal看看。进入后，虽然看见了不同的介面，但里头的内容却还把我记录成学生，顿时真的想哭出来。想起以前做学生时的我连看都懒的看一眼的地方，今天进入了却赖死不离开。很多大学时的记忆涌出，很怀念。
已不止一次我的思绪突然从现状回到过去。已不止一次我想带动大家也跟着我一起想念过去，却几乎每次都被大家的“这是历史”态度反弹。真的只有我一个这样吗？我也觉得奇怪。小学和中学各六年的记忆都不及这三年来的深。
是因为比较靠近的关系吗？我也回答不到自己。或许在那里我得到了从未尝试过的自由。在家有温馨、放心。在金宝，一切都得自己来。少了妈妈的照顾，早午晚餐要自己搞定，床也要自己起。这一切 = 自由。认真想想，其实自由也不能让我那么怀念。
再想想，在金宝我接触了我从没接触过的东西。音乐、运动、娱乐等等都有许多新方面的接触，也构成了一个绝对与四年前不一样的我。
连接那么多东西起来，我想真正让我放不下的是经历吧。经历的事物，以及一起经历的人们，一起创造的回忆很是珍贵。每当想起我都有冲动放弃现在，回到过去。这当然不可能，所以我会闷闷不乐。
虽有许多不开心的时候和压力，但和现在的比起来根本不屑一提吧。求学虽辛苦，但至少自在，总比被公司绑死好。现在就犹如掉入了人生的无底洞，星期一到五工作已是被定下的规则，哪有求学时的自在！
当然，无可否认的，还有一段在那发生的过去是很难忘记的。短短的五岁，有超过一半就在那里度过了。果然，人事已非。
自小写作就被老师指出的弱点 -- 表达能力不佳 -- 又再出现了。我实在不能完全表达那份情绪，虽然我很想。能力不足，竟然连回忆也留不住，这太逊了。
幸好我还有照片。
相机是我文才水准达标前最伟大的发明。
无论是开心的还是伤心的回忆，只要是过去了的，都会给我酸里带点痛的感觉。或许，回忆就贵在人事已非...即使陪伴在身边的人都一样、都无恙，变化却是挡不住的。年纪大了，环境不同了，工作了，为目标打拼了。
今天就不懂干嘛会想到上UTAR Portal看看。进入后，虽然看见了不同的介面，但里头的内容却还把我记录成学生，顿时真的想哭出来。想起以前做学生时的我连看都懒的看一眼的地方，今天进入了却赖死不离开。很多大学时的记忆涌出，很怀念。
已不止一次我的思绪突然从现状回到过去。已不止一次我想带动大家也跟着我一起想念过去，却几乎每次都被大家的“这是历史”态度反弹。真的只有我一个这样吗？我也觉得奇怪。小学和中学各六年的记忆都不及这三年来的深。
是因为比较靠近的关系吗？我也回答不到自己。或许在那里我得到了从未尝试过的自由。在家有温馨、放心。在金宝，一切都得自己来。少了妈妈的照顾，早午晚餐要自己搞定，床也要自己起。这一切 = 自由。认真想想，其实自由也不能让我那么怀念。
再想想，在金宝我接触了我从没接触过的东西。音乐、运动、娱乐等等都有许多新方面的接触，也构成了一个绝对与四年前不一样的我。
连接那么多东西起来，我想真正让我放不下的是经历吧。经历的事物，以及一起经历的人们，一起创造的回忆很是珍贵。每当想起我都有冲动放弃现在，回到过去。这当然不可能，所以我会闷闷不乐。
虽有许多不开心的时候和压力，但和现在的比起来根本不屑一提吧。求学虽辛苦，但至少自在，总比被公司绑死好。现在就犹如掉入了人生的无底洞，星期一到五工作已是被定下的规则，哪有求学时的自在！
当然，无可否认的，还有一段在那发生的过去是很难忘记的。短短的五岁，有超过一半就在那里度过了。果然，人事已非。
自小写作就被老师指出的弱点 -- 表达能力不佳 -- 又再出现了。我实在不能完全表达那份情绪，虽然我很想。能力不足，竟然连回忆也留不住，这太逊了。
幸好我还有照片。
相机是我文才水准达标前最伟大的发明。
2013年1月6日星期日
Kindergarten Mates @ Neighbours @ Childhood Friends
Memories & Present
2013年1月5日，咱们又再次聚在一起。这一次的聚会跟2010年的还真不一样！感觉浓烈了，也比较开心，大家都比较放了。
2010年时是隔了那么久再见面的一次，带着陌生的心情去是很自然的。毕竟那么多年，在不同的环境下继续成长，大家变成个什么样子也还真难猜测。
然而，大家可暂时放开社会交际的复杂，寻回当年的天真与单纯，开怀的畅谈。
变化是肯定的，只要那些记忆还犹存，我们就可以回到过去。可以不顾面子，不顾很多事情把什么都告诉别人，还真是我的第一次。我们有各自的交际圈，而火锅的那张桌子是我们的相交点。既然大家对各自的交际圈子都不熟悉，我又怕什么分享我的一切呢？
抛开生意关系、面子、隔膜的畅谈是最快乐的。谈得时间过得多么快都难以感觉到。都沉溺在回忆及 心灵交流的谈天。
好快乐，好难忘。似乎大家也对这次的聚会很满意：
@JuiceliciouZ OLD BUT GOLD
@lawrence_twk Fantastic gathering
@baybeechika My kindergarden mates made my day :D bahaha!!!
@princeoftart Great way to start 2013 as it did in 2010 love you guys my neighbours
I seriously love you guys.谢谢你们出现在我的生命中，创造了那么多甜甜酸酸的回忆好让我大脑的容量没白白浪费掉！
同年出生的我们也享有同一个童年，这些难得的缘分请务必珍惜！
2012年11月24日星期六
安息吧，契妈
上一篇文章是开心的事，想不到那么快就来个坏消息...
其实应该早就有心理准备了，只是契妈很坚强，中风两次也不倒，让大家抱有她一定会康复的希望...因此收到这个消息时，真的难免心头震了一下...
妈妈二十多岁就认识了她，后来就把她介绍给我当时未婚的舅公，因此她算是我的舅婆。我出世后，妈妈就把我契给了契妈。我从来没叫过她一声舅婆，一直以来都是称呼她为契妈，还有小时几次调皮的叫她“肥婆”。
年头还好端端的，真的没想到会这样...真的人算不如天算呢！
小时候妈妈就常带我去找契妈，因此关系也不差，只是年纪越大就越少和契妈见面了。加上之后到了金宝求学，见面更为稀少。
说真的，我也没尽到身为契仔的孝道...妈妈小时候就叫我努力读书，长大后要赚多多钱报答契妈。我很认真的点头了。没想到我才刚开始踏入社会工作她就离开了...
前几个月趁我拿了假期我也随同妈妈去看躺在医院的契妈...别人都说我很乖、很孝顺。只有我自己知道自己的心...当时我虽然也想要探望契妈，但我却不时心里抱怨路程遥远、天气很热，真不想来！如果我真的那么有心，我还会多见契妈几次...如果我真的那么有心，什么理由都不是理由...我其实不是那么乖的孩子。
那是我见她及她见我的最后一面了。昨天，我也看了她一次，不过已经是躺在棺木里的契妈了。这是第二次见躺在棺木里的亲人，感觉没那么浓烈，或许契妈的妆化得没那么浓，像是平时睡觉的样子吧...您安心的睡吧...
家人，真的不是到失去了才来后悔没常见面。可是这对于不善外露情感的我实在是个难关...我也没哭，最接近一次就只是见到契妈的大头照时眼泛泪光，我没让情感全涌出...我爱面子，我没用。或许在她病倒时心理准备早就做好了吧。
人走了，我才想起根本没和契妈拍过多少张照片，尤其是我懂事了后，更没拍过就那么一张。这叫做懂事吗？人越长越大，却把最重要的东西越隔越开。我想我还是坦白，我没重视过契妈，I took her for granted。
从来没对您表达过爱，现在，我也没有勇气、没有脸说了。
我会记得你的，我一生唯一的契妈。
其实应该早就有心理准备了，只是契妈很坚强，中风两次也不倒，让大家抱有她一定会康复的希望...因此收到这个消息时，真的难免心头震了一下...
妈妈二十多岁就认识了她，后来就把她介绍给我当时未婚的舅公，因此她算是我的舅婆。我出世后，妈妈就把我契给了契妈。我从来没叫过她一声舅婆，一直以来都是称呼她为契妈，还有小时几次调皮的叫她“肥婆”。
年头还好端端的，真的没想到会这样...真的人算不如天算呢！
小时候妈妈就常带我去找契妈，因此关系也不差，只是年纪越大就越少和契妈见面了。加上之后到了金宝求学，见面更为稀少。
说真的，我也没尽到身为契仔的孝道...妈妈小时候就叫我努力读书，长大后要赚多多钱报答契妈。我很认真的点头了。没想到我才刚开始踏入社会工作她就离开了...
前几个月趁我拿了假期我也随同妈妈去看躺在医院的契妈...别人都说我很乖、很孝顺。只有我自己知道自己的心...当时我虽然也想要探望契妈，但我却不时心里抱怨路程遥远、天气很热，真不想来！如果我真的那么有心，我还会多见契妈几次...如果我真的那么有心，什么理由都不是理由...我其实不是那么乖的孩子。
那是我见她及她见我的最后一面了。昨天，我也看了她一次，不过已经是躺在棺木里的契妈了。这是第二次见躺在棺木里的亲人，感觉没那么浓烈，或许契妈的妆化得没那么浓，像是平时睡觉的样子吧...您安心的睡吧...
家人，真的不是到失去了才来后悔没常见面。可是这对于不善外露情感的我实在是个难关...我也没哭，最接近一次就只是见到契妈的大头照时眼泛泪光，我没让情感全涌出...我爱面子，我没用。或许在她病倒时心理准备早就做好了吧。
人走了，我才想起根本没和契妈拍过多少张照片，尤其是我懂事了后，更没拍过就那么一张。这叫做懂事吗？人越长越大，却把最重要的东西越隔越开。我想我还是坦白，我没重视过契妈，I took her for granted。
从来没对您表达过爱，现在，我也没有勇气、没有脸说了。
我会记得你的，我一生唯一的契妈。
追索从前，您真的很疼我
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