谢谢您那么多年来不辞劳苦地照料。在您最痛苦的时候，我却没尽最大的努力陪伴您度过。我不孝。
我现在的路，近乎全数是您为我铺下。这些爱，我这辈子无法再直接报答您了。答应您，我会好好的过生活，当个有用的人，让大家都知道，您生下了一个有用的孩子。
千言万语，无法尽诉。24年回忆里的碎片，随机的播放。最痛心、后悔、内疚、惭愧的最后一年最难以释怀。我可以做得更多。我应该做得更多。我童心未泯。我爱玩。我愚蠢。我不孝。没法补偿了，这些愧疚都会被我带着继续过下去。唯能做的是把这情绪化成动力，把身为您的儿子的身份活得更出色、更有意义。
在我生活的每一个阶段，您都扮演着最重要的角色。没有任何一个人能够取代您的位置，以及超越您的付出。家里的每一个角落，都留着您的痕迹，无法磨灭。
心愿没办法陪您一起了。未来的媳妇没机会向您敬茶。未来的孩子没机会让您照料。这些遗憾，很痛。
没法不坦然面对。您希望我过得健康和开心吧。我会的。我会慢慢学会成熟，慢慢学会体会回忆中您的所有唠叨。慢慢学会早睡早起，慢慢学会戒喝冰水，慢慢学会戒吃煎炸食物，慢慢学会多吃水果。
我会变乖的，妈妈。
2014年6月10日星期二
考试
今天，终于松了一口气。准备了已久的考试在三个小时的奋斗后终于结束了。考完试的大家都松了口气，一起享用了个愉快欢乐的晚餐。
我也以为可以放松心情了。可一下了朋友的车，再坐上自己的车子准备回家的一刻，我突然觉得好寂寞。不是第一次有这种感觉了。那空虚寂寞的感觉一直在我独自一个人的时候浮现。并不太好受。
闷闷不乐。想着回到家后对着的四面墙。家里没有人，很孤单。少了妈妈的唠叨。现在只能怀念。即使妈妈在家也不再会对我唠叨了，只有我对她的语重心长。
你快好起来吧！现在，不管有多么开心的事情发生，我都不能尽情的欢笑，总是带着那丝顾虑。朋友们的邀约，也要到最后才能决定能否出席。出席后，也得设个限制，总不能太迟回家。
考完试了，那放松的感觉只来得及体会那一下子。成绩也不知是否理想，50 50 吧！希望顺利过关就好。
工作，就免谈了。堆积如山，真不知何时能搞定...
家里的凌乱及卫生程度惨不忍睹。我告诉自己我必须工作、温习、照顾妈妈，我无能为力，家里就只能放着不管。我只是懒惰。可是我同时也心力交瘁。身体偶尔不听使唤，脑袋经常也无力思考。
你是我一辈子的责任。人人都问我为什么不考虑疗养院？除了钱财的顾虑，脑海中还经常浮现着那画面：“你以后别把我放去老人院啊。”那时无邪的我答应了。我总不能毁约。
可是，到了晚上，最脆弱的时刻，总是只有我一个人面对。我变得越来越怕孤单。考试假日期间，你一直在医院里，每个晚上我都只想着要去哪里找朋友，找哪一个朋友，而并没有认真温习。似乎一个模式已经被设定在我的体内，只要妈妈不在家，我就要出去玩。很难控制这股欲望。我真的越来越害怕天黑，越来越害怕孤单。
想要有个伴陪。这位女生蛮合眼缘的，朋友们也不断为我制造尴尬的机会，可我就是没推动自己踏出那一步。缺少了勇气是一点，感觉未浓也是另一点，最重要的是，现在不是时候。我不能全心全意的陪伴你。如果我只因为需要支持而要求你的陪伴，那就太自私了。我有比较重要的责任，时间与金钱的分配都得以她为前提。此时此刻，我不能奢望什么。
其实没什么，只是需要承受寂寞而已。虽然也想有个伴能够与我聊聊，但与傻逼的朋友们齐欢笑似乎也能舒缓我的压力。
又是深夜，还是有股闷闷不乐的感觉。应该是因为刚刚和那位女生没什么交谈到吧！哈哈！明日又是工作日，得回到现实了。我的假日过得很堕落，更进一步的弄得家里更凌乱。回到现实后，要重新开始做人。不年轻了，要开始学习扛下养家的责任了。不要再堕落，上进的计划是该要开始实行了。生活作息打理好，不忽略健康。下个目标：把家里收拾打扫干净！加油冯毅答！
我也以为可以放松心情了。可一下了朋友的车，再坐上自己的车子准备回家的一刻，我突然觉得好寂寞。不是第一次有这种感觉了。那空虚寂寞的感觉一直在我独自一个人的时候浮现。并不太好受。
闷闷不乐。想着回到家后对着的四面墙。家里没有人，很孤单。少了妈妈的唠叨。现在只能怀念。即使妈妈在家也不再会对我唠叨了，只有我对她的语重心长。
你快好起来吧！现在，不管有多么开心的事情发生，我都不能尽情的欢笑，总是带着那丝顾虑。朋友们的邀约，也要到最后才能决定能否出席。出席后，也得设个限制，总不能太迟回家。
考完试了，那放松的感觉只来得及体会那一下子。成绩也不知是否理想，50 50 吧！希望顺利过关就好。
工作，就免谈了。堆积如山，真不知何时能搞定...
家里的凌乱及卫生程度惨不忍睹。我告诉自己我必须工作、温习、照顾妈妈，我无能为力，家里就只能放着不管。我只是懒惰。可是我同时也心力交瘁。身体偶尔不听使唤，脑袋经常也无力思考。
你是我一辈子的责任。人人都问我为什么不考虑疗养院？除了钱财的顾虑，脑海中还经常浮现着那画面：“你以后别把我放去老人院啊。”那时无邪的我答应了。我总不能毁约。
可是，到了晚上，最脆弱的时刻，总是只有我一个人面对。我变得越来越怕孤单。考试假日期间，你一直在医院里，每个晚上我都只想着要去哪里找朋友，找哪一个朋友，而并没有认真温习。似乎一个模式已经被设定在我的体内，只要妈妈不在家，我就要出去玩。很难控制这股欲望。我真的越来越害怕天黑，越来越害怕孤单。
想要有个伴陪。这位女生蛮合眼缘的，朋友们也不断为我制造尴尬的机会，可我就是没推动自己踏出那一步。缺少了勇气是一点，感觉未浓也是另一点，最重要的是，现在不是时候。我不能全心全意的陪伴你。如果我只因为需要支持而要求你的陪伴，那就太自私了。我有比较重要的责任，时间与金钱的分配都得以她为前提。此时此刻，我不能奢望什么。
其实没什么，只是需要承受寂寞而已。虽然也想有个伴能够与我聊聊，但与傻逼的朋友们齐欢笑似乎也能舒缓我的压力。
又是深夜，还是有股闷闷不乐的感觉。应该是因为刚刚和那位女生没什么交谈到吧！哈哈！明日又是工作日，得回到现实了。我的假日过得很堕落，更进一步的弄得家里更凌乱。回到现实后，要重新开始做人。不年轻了，要开始学习扛下养家的责任了。不要再堕落，上进的计划是该要开始实行了。生活作息打理好，不忽略健康。下个目标：把家里收拾打扫干净！加油冯毅答！
2014年5月10日星期六
WOW!
WOW! I was shocked when I realised that this blog has been around for 3 years. The decision made to start this blog is still fresh in my mind. It feels like yesterday.
Darn. I was so in mood to write a post and to write it in Mandarin. Too bad this new lappy does not allow me to type in Chinese.
Lots of negative emotions went in and outta my mind this week. Some were actual, some were imaginative. I have a tendency to torture myself with imagination. It feels bad but great to imagine myself facing truly sad situation, like got rejected by a girl I like.
Lots of things happened between this post and the last one. Truly life changing events. I could never have thought of this. Responsibility's getting larger, time's getting lesser, freedom's locked. I just wish I could share all my feelings to someone. Someone important. I just don't have any.
Yup. I have good friends with me. I wish to talk to them with 100% emotion released. But, what position am I in to make them listen to my repetitive nag? To bring negative emotions to others with my personal story is just not my style. Plus, I'm locked in a hard cover. A cover that has been preventing me from sharing everything.
Blog is my resort. I can nag all shit stuff here and get no complaints. Why is this happening on me?????? There are many motivating articles/phrases out there telling one to never complain on your misfortunes, instead, break it through, look for solutions rather than sitting on bed crying.
But.
What solution do I have?????? What can I do?????? One might say that I did not try hard enough. Probably. Probably I was burnt out. I'm lost.
You changed completely. I did not know sickness was that powerful to completely change a person until I experienced it.
I just have no energy to take care of so much of stuff. There is limitation to one's capability and mine's reached. I just could not contribute more. Failure in work life and love life, and my family life seems like failing as well. No balance achieved. Fail.
I hope to have someone beside me, ease my pain, kill my loneliness. Good girls are all over. It's just me. I lack courage and freedom to chase one. What more?
Occupied.
It's late. Body's getting old. Can't afford to stay late no more. I miss my youth. I miss uni days. I miss stress-free life. I miss healthy mom and dad. I miss every past day. I missed a colourful young age. I'd definitely go back in time, if it's not impossible.
Good night.
Darn. I was so in mood to write a post and to write it in Mandarin. Too bad this new lappy does not allow me to type in Chinese.
Lots of negative emotions went in and outta my mind this week. Some were actual, some were imaginative. I have a tendency to torture myself with imagination. It feels bad but great to imagine myself facing truly sad situation, like got rejected by a girl I like.
Lots of things happened between this post and the last one. Truly life changing events. I could never have thought of this. Responsibility's getting larger, time's getting lesser, freedom's locked. I just wish I could share all my feelings to someone. Someone important. I just don't have any.
Yup. I have good friends with me. I wish to talk to them with 100% emotion released. But, what position am I in to make them listen to my repetitive nag? To bring negative emotions to others with my personal story is just not my style. Plus, I'm locked in a hard cover. A cover that has been preventing me from sharing everything.
Blog is my resort. I can nag all shit stuff here and get no complaints. Why is this happening on me?????? There are many motivating articles/phrases out there telling one to never complain on your misfortunes, instead, break it through, look for solutions rather than sitting on bed crying.
But.
What solution do I have?????? What can I do?????? One might say that I did not try hard enough. Probably. Probably I was burnt out. I'm lost.
You changed completely. I did not know sickness was that powerful to completely change a person until I experienced it.
I just have no energy to take care of so much of stuff. There is limitation to one's capability and mine's reached. I just could not contribute more. Failure in work life and love life, and my family life seems like failing as well. No balance achieved. Fail.
I hope to have someone beside me, ease my pain, kill my loneliness. Good girls are all over. It's just me. I lack courage and freedom to chase one. What more?
Occupied.
It's late. Body's getting old. Can't afford to stay late no more. I miss my youth. I miss uni days. I miss stress-free life. I miss healthy mom and dad. I miss every past day. I missed a colourful young age. I'd definitely go back in time, if it's not impossible.
Good night.
订阅：
博文 (Atom)